Cover Snark: The Next Marvel Superhero

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It’s time for Cover Snark, where we take a look at some unsettling covers in an effort to make your Mondays a little better!

Guardian by Sam Cheever. A blonde woman is in the foreground, pushing up her boobs for some reason. The hero is behind her, shirtless. And the complexion of his face is a pale green compared with his tan chest. They're also standing in front of a very dark forest.

From Delight: I don’t know if this particular…oddity, has been featured before but I received it in a newsletter and I just couldn’t deal. I couldn’t. His face is green. He looks like he tried a weird shade of foundation that he failed to blend. And why is he looking at her with that expression? It is not at all sexy. Or maybe that’s just him trying to keep whatever is threatening to hurl out, in.

Amanda: She’s clearly guarding her boobs.

The dude also looks suspiciously like Brandon Lee from The Crow.

Sarah: It’s also from the “If we don’t use Scriptina, how will they know it’s a romance?” school of font selection.

Elyse: His foundation is not the right color at all.

Tempting Fate by Pamela Clare. A shirtless hero is wearing a pair of pants that look as if they're about to fall off. The hero also has red marks on his shoulders and pecs.

Elyse: Does he have a rash?

Redheadedgirl: Did he get bit by one of those fluke thingies for that one episode of The X-Files?

Elyse: Also dude really needs a belt.

CarrieS: And a bra.

Redheadedgirl: He has one, it’s named Adonis.

HEYOOOOOO

Elyse: And some hydrocortisone ointment. He really just needs to go to Target.

Sarah: His pants are what’s tempting fate here. What’s holding them up? Wardrobe tape?

Head Coach by Lia Riley. This is an extreme close up of the hero's face. The cover is JUST his face and you can probably count his pores. He's also making direct eye contact with the reader and it's uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Amanda: I don’t like this extreme close up.

Sarah: I am very not ok with models looking at me from covers. Disliked trend is disliked.

Elyse: Do. Not. Want.

Amanda: I wonder if this is the industry’s counter to man-titty. “Fine! You don’t want some aggressive nipples? Then this is what you get!”

Sarah: “Aggressive staring!” Nope. Do not want.

The Neon Lawyer by Victor Methos. A man in a suit is looking real sad with his head down. He's also in front of a dingy, dirty motel. The entire cover has a weird, aged sepia filter.

Amanda: Is this a new Marvel superhero? “The Neon Lawyer.”

Elyse: There’s no neon in that cover.

Sarah: If you turn off the lights, does he glow? Is that what he’s looking at? His personal glowstick?

CarrieS: Is this a noir mystery? If so, I kinda like it. If it’s a romance, all I can say is I don’t have the energy to cheer that dude up and nothing will convince me to enter that motel. The only things getting lucky in there are bedbugs.

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