Elyse Watches The Bachelor-Episode 12: Shut Up, Chris

Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeI’m approaching this, the final recap of The Bachelor season 22, with a mix of relief and dread.

Relief because we’re almost done. I never have to look at Arie’s dumb face again.

Dread because I am cringing in horror at what I’ll likely have to sit through to get there.

Last night Arie proposed to Becca K, the “winner” of the season. Then in an extra shitty move, ABC ambushed Becca and filmed him breaking up with her because he couldn’t stop thinking about Lauren and wanted to be with her instead. Becca thought they were filming a segment of them being a happy couple, hanging out, and instead she was humiliated and every moment of it was filmed.

Tonight is the After the Rose special where everyone is freshly spray tanned and they are forced to sit next to Chris Harrison (whom I am not talking to right now) and discuss the season.

Right now Arie is pretty much despised by everyone and rightfully so. He’s a garbage person who not only broke up with Becca (bad), did it on camera (worse), but also refused to take any emotional accountability for it and kept wanting her to “talk” about it and somehow absolve him of guilt (fuck you and your toxic masculinity).

By popular demand my co-reviewers, Dewey and Fisher, are here. Dewey has decided that Fisher is the best thing since sliced bread and they are currently chasing each other through the house. It sounds like a stampede of elephants in here, despite the fact they combined they probably weigh less than fifteen pounds.

Fisher, as I explained last night, is a kitten and the newest addition to the household. He was found in an ice shanty with a fishing hook stuck in his mouth, which is appropriate because Becca’s Uncle Gary also has plans for Arie that involve an ice shanty and the words “the body wasn’t found until spring thaw.”

Dewey stands on a felt pouch that cats can hide in. Fisher is half on the pouch, upside down, looking at him
It’s hard to get a picture of these two since they don’t sit still

So anyway, let’s get this over with, shall we?

Chris opens the show by saying we’ll see another proposal tonight.

Arie tells us that his biggest fear is that he goes to Lauren and it doesn’t work “and I risked it all for nothing.”

Click for my reaction

Regina George from Mean Girls says "shut up"

Arie stands outside Lauren’s house. He says, “I was fine two seconds ago and now I’m freaking out. I’m just dying.”

We aren’t that lucky, Arie.

He knocks on Lauren’s door, she opens it and embraces him.

He says he talked to Lauren on the phone and that she knows he broke up with Becca.

Lauren says that when Arie reached out she was angry at first because she thought he was doing it for selfish reasons (HE IS OMG HOW DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT). She asks if he’s over Becca.

“Yes, 1000%,” Arie says, not because he’s being hyperbolic but because he doesn’t understand how percentages work.

Lauren forgives him and they noisy-kiss.

Fun Fisher story: earlier today he sat in his water dish and then he cried because his butt was wet.

Fisher sits inbetween two book shelves, behind a stack of books. He's a very fuzzy kitten with big eyes and short ears.

After the commercial break, Chris is interviewing Bekah M, Caroline, Tia, Sienne, and Kendall.

“First of all, it’s not Lauren. It’s all Arie,” Tia says.

“Yeah, we love Lauren,” Caroline agrees. “She’s a good person.”

Bekah M says, “Its unbelievable. I think he’s just not a genuine person. He just wants to say whatever he needs to say to the person in front of him to get what he wants. He’s an incredibly manipulative person.”

Hey, remember when Arie worried Bekah M was too immature for him?

Fuck this guy

Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec is enraged.

So then Caroline points out that Arie had the control (I’m assuming contractually? I don’t know) to elect not to break up with Becca on camera. Chris acknowledges that it was a controversial decision to air the breakup the way they did and that he got heat for it.

But since Chris Harrison long ago sacrificed his soul to the Rose God, he cares not. He feels nothing. He is the darkness. He is entropy. He is decay.

Caroline says that by airing the breakup the world got to see how strong and amazing Becca is.

Bekah M adds that she hopes Lauren, “Gets out of that as soon as possible. I do.”

The audience cheers.

Anyway, did I mention how I found Fisher? There’s a great cat sanctuary near me that also runs a cat café, Safe Haven Pet Sancuary. They focus on saving cats who would be euthanized due to age, health or psychological issues. Fisher was found in a very rural area. He’d wandered into an ice shanty and found a fishing lure that probably had something tasty on it still, tried to eat the lure, and wound up with one hook in his lip and one in each cheek. He was dropped off at an emergency vet (this was during the night) and they contacted Safe Haven. The area he was found in doesn’t have animal control and the closest city’s shelter won’t take in animals that aren’t found in their municipality. So Safe Haven stepped up, paid for his emergency surgery, and the next day I saw the little guy on Facebook and that was it. They do really great, compassionate work and I’m so pleased they are a part of my community. You can check them out here.

And if you feel bad for Fisher, please note his mouth is better, he has pain medicine, and he’s getting all the soft foods plus chicken breast that Rich made and shredded for him and Dewey.

Dewey and Fisher hang out on a two tiered cat tree. Fisher is on the lower level. Dewey reclines on the top portion and looks down at his brother.

Caroline and Tia say that Becca is concerned that Lauren will be hurt, too. They also ask that people not pick on Lauren for her decision because Lauren didn’t see what Arie did to Becca the way everyone else did.

“He was telling each woman certain things off camera during fantasy suites,” Tia points out.

So basically, Arie is a lying sack of shit.

Dewey says that if Arie were a turd (and he is), that he wouldn’t even bury him.

Then Becca comes out and she looks amazing.

Chris says to her, “A lot of people in Bachelor Nation took exception to us showing what we did last night. It was all about you, so…”

IDK Chris, maybe because it was vile and unnecessarily cruel? Also “all about you” is total bullshit. It was all about controversy and ratings. Here. Fuck off.

Click for my response to Chris

A woman whips out a switchblade and says I'll cut you

Becca says, in a round about way, that seeing what a dbag Arie was on TV gave her some closure. She also says she knows she signed up for a show and that this part of the deal. Then she tells us that right after they got engaged in Peru, Arie told her he was in love with both of them. She knew he reached out to Lauren, but thought it was to get closure.

They had been looking at houses together and had decided what to do with her place in Minnesota when he broke up with her.

Becca smiles at the camera in a promotional head shot
Becca is amazing

Then Chris says, “Well, I know this isn’t the way you wanted it to happen, but in all the years I’ve done this, and it’s been awhile now, I’ve never seen the outpouring of love and support there’s been for you. And when I tell you that I’ve never seen some of this happening…”

Shut up, Chris. You asshole.

Shut up

Molly Ringwald says shut up

Then they trot out Arie.

“It feels good to see you,” Arie says to Becca.

NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS ARIE.

“There was a lot of guilt and a lot of shame,” Arie says. “The reason why I did it the way I did it, was I wanted everyone here to know it was on me and this wasn’t about you,” he says.

Oh, so you humiliated her on TV to make sure people didn’t assume she was the bad guy in this relationship? SURE.

Then he really puts the icing on the shit cake. Becca asks him why he reached out to Lauren behind her back before talking to her.

“I didn’t want to be rash. I needed to…There were all these feelings and I needed to be certain in my decision before I came to you and told you I needed to pursue that.”

Meaning, I needed to be sure Lauren was still interested before I cut ties with you.

This idiot is digging his own grave

Andy Cohen says shut the fuck up

Arie, I sincerely hope it hurts when you poop.

Then he makes a comment about how Becca allowed Arie to reach out to Lauren because she wasn’t certain either. So somehow this is Becca’s fault? She was complicit in his being a giant asshole by not being confident enough in their relationship?

This whole thing is emotional manipulation 101.

Then Arie says, “I do regret proposing that day because I wasn’t fully ready.”

I just…

Brigitte Bardot throws a sponge at some guy's head

Becca says she forgives him and hopes he treats Lauren well.

After the commercial break Chris interviews Jason and Molly Mesnick. It’s a pointless time filler. Jason changed his mind after his season and married Molly, the runner up.

Right now Dewey is snoozing on Rich’s lap while Fisher rolls around on the floor, savagely attacking Grey Mousie. It’s misplaced anger at Arie, but Grey Mousie can take it.

Fisher lays on the floor. He looks very soft and fluffy because he is

“Chris Harrison is an apologist and an asshole,” Rich observes.

Chris whines about how badly he’s been beaten up on social media. Whatever Chris. We all know you serve the Dark Lord. Your spray tan’s orangeness is directly proportional to the negative energy you have consumed, and you are Fanta orange, my friend. You cannot hide from me.

A side by side shot of Arie and Becca.

Then after a commercial, Lauren comes out. Lauren says that Arie reached out via Instagram on New Year’s Eve and asked if she was open to having a conversation.

Chris asks Lauren what she loves about Arie. She says, “The one thing that’s present to me right now is his bravery and his honesty and I think that he did an amazing job handling this whole thing and he couldn’t have gone about it in a more respectful way.”

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

DOES LAUREN HAVE STOCKHOLM SYNDROME?

He broke up with Becca on TV while every agonizing moment was filmed rather than, say, privately like a normal human being.

We need to get her out of there. We need to deprogram her.

OMG WTF EVEN

Mr Darcy stands in the rain looking frustraetd. The words OMG I cant even appear over him

Arie says that no love story is perfect…except that’s exactly what this show sells.

Dewey is now moving in to steal my water while Fisher observes, eager to learn.

You can see my hands as I type on my laptop recapping this shit show. Dewey sits on the table next to me drinking out of my water glass while Fisher watchesSo then Arie proposes to Lauren and she accepts.

NO LAUREN. RUN! RUN! GET OUT!

UGH.

WHY?

I JUST.

HE NEEDS TO BE ALONE FOREVER. ANY WOMAN IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. ANY HUMAN IS TOO GOOD FOR HIM. INTESTINAL PARASITES ARE TOO GOOD FOR HIM.

Then Chris says he’s going to announce the new Bachelorette and I’m so over this.

Me too, Carrie

Carrie Fisher says its not like i dont care, i just don't care right now

So Becca K will be the next Bachelorette which doesn’t surprise anyone. The other women from this season run out and cuddle her on the couch.

“She’s going to be the best Bachelorette,” Kendall says.

“You got this, girl,” Sienne adds.

“Now you get to be the center of attention and you deserve this so much,” says Tia.

Then Chris Harrison asks them about how the show brings women together in sisterhood.

SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRISTOPHER YOU DON’T GET TO TALK ABOUT SISTERHOOD. GO SIT IN YOUR CORNER.

Shut up, Chris

Paul Rudd from Anchorman says why don't you stop talking for awhile

So then we get a commercial and then Becca gets to meet some of the contestants for her upcoming season.

First up is Lincoln who 1. has a sexy accent and 2. is truly adorable and sweet. He says, “Arie is a wanker.”

I like Lincoln

Then we get Chase. Both Lincoln and Chase have said “journey” so take two shots.

Then Ryan comes out wearing a jacket that seriously looks like a couch my Nana had and plays Becca a song on his banjo.

Darius comes out next and flirts charmingly. He formally apologizes for the male gender.

Becca and Darius smile at each other

Then this dude leads a horse into the studio and I’m like, is the horse a contestant? The horse’s name in Bradley. The dude is Blake. Despite the fact that there are serious wardrobe challenges with the cut of her dress, Blake helps her “get back on the horse.”

And that’s it. The Bachelorette starts May 28th and I’m way more invested in Becca’s search for love than Arie’s. Seriously. Fuck that guy.

Dewey and Fisher say goodnight and thank you for joining me in this journey.

Dewey lays in the hallway. Fisher stands next to him. My carpet has salt and grit from outside that I tracked in.
The kitties say goodnight and that I need to vacuum.

What did you think of this season? Will you be watching The Bachelorette?

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