Elyse Watches The Bachelorette – Episode 7: Snoozefest

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomHappy Bachelorette …er, Wednesday. Due to a virus or a weird fibro flare (or both) I wasn’t able to recap the live show Monday, but I do feel up to watching (and drinking) tonight. We’re down to 6 guys and off the Bahamas everyone! The dudes who make it through tonight get to go to home towns.

Pour your favorite adult beverage. Honestly this episode was kind of a snooze-fest, so extra points if it’s caffeinated. It’s time for the show.

Becca tells the guys that instead of a rose ceremony, they’ll be doing 4 dates (3 one-on-ones and a group date). This is like the 3rd time we’ve cut out The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, which makes me wonder if ABC doesn’t have the booze budget it once did. Also WTF was up with Richmond, VA, for a date destination? Like I’m sure it’s a great city, but I watch this show to travel and get white-wine drunk vicariously. Give me Bora Bora or Tokyo.

Anyway, the first one-on-one date goes to Colton. Garrett tells us that Colton is a virgin and he wonders if he’s going to tell Becca.

Cue my shocked face.

Click for my shocked face

a sloth yawns

I caught wind of this on social media today, and honestly, am I the only one who thinks it really isn’t a big deal? Who cares if Colton is a virgin? I mean, it doesn’t make him any less qualified to be Becca’s reality TV fiancé. Gross, Dumb Jordan didn’t know how pants worked and he passed the litmus test. I don’t think sexual experience (or ability to dress oneself) was on the final casting exam.

So Becca and Colton go on a boat ride and make out a lot, and then they go diving for conch.  The divemaster tells them that the pistol portion of the conch is an aphrodisiac, but it looks super slimy and chewy, and I have a hard time watching them eat it.

Remember that time Arie made the ladies think he drank pee? Good times.

Becca and Colton make out on a boat against blue green water and a cloudy sky. it's very picturesque

During dinner (which they aren’t allowed to eat – good thing they filled up on conch pistol) Colton tells Becca that because he put so much focus on his career, he didn’t really have time for relationships and only every saw one person seriously. As a result, he’s still a virgin.

“Honestly, I’m not even sure my dad knows,” he tells Becca.

WELL HE DOES NOW.

Becca seems surprised, almost dismayed, and tells him she wouldn’t want to put him “outside his comfort zone.”

Then she gets up from the table. Arie did this too a few times, but Twitter ruled it was to fart. Colton looks super nervous.

Again, am I the only one who doesn’t think this is a huge deal? Have romance novels made me unusually accepting of varying degrees of sexual experience?

We cut back to the hotel where the other dudes are talking about Colton’s virginity which isn’t super fucking weird at all.

Garrett says he thinks “there are too many skeletons in the closet.” Which…what? Skeletons in the closet are reserved for wives locked in attics and serial killer fathers (again romance novels might have informed my feelings on this a little). The guy is a virgin. He doesn’t make puppets out of his ex-girlfriend’s hair.

So then Becca goes back to the table. Colton tells her that in the past he was ashamed because of the locker room environment he was usually in. Now he feels proud of his choice. He isn’t waiting for marriage, but it is waiting for the right partner.

Becca tells him that she doesn’t judge him or think less of him. Becca gives him a rose.

Becca and Colton talk over dinner

On the next one-on-one date, Garrett and Becca go island-hopping on a sea plane. They make out a lot on a private beach and I have to wonder if everyone has the same cold yet.

Really nothing exciting happens on their date other than Garrett talking briefly about how he changed who he was for his ex-wife, and that’s part of the reason why the marriage failed.

Seriously, we’re at Arie levels of boring here. Can we talk about Colton’s virginity again or something? Eat raw shellfish parts?

Becca and Garrett sit on the beach, the sea plane in the distance. The sea plane is very bored.

Becca gives him a rose. Then they go back down to the beach where they conveniently have swimsuits on under their clothes, and make out in the water some more.

So then it’s time for Blake’s one-on-one.

Rich is eating ice cream next to me and Fisher is staring at the pint of Häagen Dazs with more intensity than any of these dudes have stared at Becca.

Fisher, my kitten reaches up toward a container of ice cream
“The final rose goes to you, ice cream.”

Anyway, Becca and Blake dance on the beach where a conveniently placed band is waiting. Later Blake lets Becca know that he’s struggling with her dating other dudes which…that’s the point of this whole shitshow.

Becca even says she sympathizes with Arie because it must have been confusing at the end.

WHAT

Sutton Foster on Younger says wow, okay blinking in surprise

Not surprisingly, Blake is kinda upset by this. I mean, sure Becca is champagne drunk and in the sun, but she’s basically like “And I have serious feelings for all these dudes!” and Blake his clearly the most emotionally fragile of the group.

So at dinner, Blake tells Becca that his parents got divorced when he was in high school, and that his mom had an affair with his basketball coach and English teacher when his parents were still married. Blake found out about the affair through gossip, not through his family. Which. Yikes.

Then Blake tells her that he’s in love with her (so far we’ve heard “I’m falling in love with you” not “I’m in love with you”). Becca gives him a rose.

Becca tells the camera she’s in love with Blake and that she can see him as her husband…but she doesn’t tell him that.

Becca and Blake laugh on the beach

That leaves Leo, Jason and Wills for the group date. We start the group date with some beach volleyball where Leo talks with a fake British accent because reasons.

Wills and Becca go and hang out in a gazebo (fun story: my husband once ran a D&D campaign for some kids at our local bookstore. He told them that they came across a gazebo. One kid said “I attack it!” Another said “I set it on fire!”).

Leo tells Becca that he feels different from the other guys there because he’s a “more adventurous type.” Becca confesses to him that Arie was the first guy she brought home. I guess on the plus side, whoever comes next will be an improvement.

Somehow during their conversation, Leo mentions that some of the other guys have had more time to get to know Becca, and Becca acknowledges it and basically sends him home in such a subtle way that I don’t think Leo (or me for a second) even realizes it’s happening.

Him: We haven’t had much time together.

Her: I want to go into next week with confidence in these relationships and I think we both recognize we’re not as far along…

Him: Exactly.

Her: Yeah, I just… I think it’s only fair to you to not go back to your family if we’re not 100%…

Becca and Leo talk on the beach

So then Jason, Wills and Becca leave Leo alone on the beach, presumably to die, a sacrifice for the Rose God.

Then we get to dinner where all three of them are crammed around a little café table and it’s crazy awkward. They aren’t allowed to eat, but we have clear liquor in abundance. Great.

Jason and Becca go make out on a bench for awhile and Jason kisses her so hard that it looks painful. Then Wills and Becca make out on a bench but it’s a different bench because we’re classy.

Then we’re back at the too-small table. Becca tells the camera she can see a future with both Wills and Jason.

She clutches the rose to her chest.

There’s a lot of dramatic music, and then she gives the rose to Jason.

Wills looks devastated. This is the man who was brave enough to rock a floral RompHim for you, girl. You made the wrong choice!

A screenshot of a bunch of dudes getting out of a limo and Wills has on a floral romphim and it's amazing

Poor Wills cries in the limo of tears, clearly heartbroken. Or drunk. Or both. It can be both.

And that’s the episode. Yawn.

What did you think of Colton’s reveal?

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